i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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