he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
