i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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