On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
