I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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