The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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