i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im calling her cock vulture from now on
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
