remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
