am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
