my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
