Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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