I can feel you judging me through the phone.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
