I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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