Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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