There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
