his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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