Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
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do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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