Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
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Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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