What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
