I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
