when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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