My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
