He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
