I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
