it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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