Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
