you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
The power of my boobs compel you
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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