my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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