You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
