it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
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Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
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...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself