I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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