I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
