The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
