I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
