tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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