just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
