Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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