every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I smell stomach acid.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
