we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
