do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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