Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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