he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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