What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think my vagina is haunted
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
