fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
