I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
