I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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