Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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