that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
