Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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