Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
