Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
