Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
